What's Going On...with Me. And the Blog.

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I hesitated to write this post. I started to write it a few times, and then put it aside. But then I realized that some of you have probably wondered why the blog slowed down with creative posts this Spring, and some of you were curious when I mentioned in the pregnancy announcement that this time hasn't been an easy ride.

So I decided to start typing. Not because I feel like I owe anyone an explanation...I have, after all, had a post up every single day since I can't remember when. But mostly because I imagine that some of you have been through similar circumstances, or are currently experiencing it...or will down the road. This is more personal than I typically like to get and I apologize for the length, but here goes nothing....

I took "the test" a whole week earlier than I did with either of my girls. My sister convinced me to, even though things were only a day late. I was a little surprised to see a "positive," but also excited. I made my first appointment at my OBGYN's office, marked it on my calendar, and started the waiting game.

I ended up having to take Michaela Byrd with me to the appointment. I didn't worry too much about it. She's only five and (going for complete honesty here) not the most observant child. She brought a book and a stuffed toy, and I knew we'd be good. I told T not to worry about coming. It's my third time, after all. I knew the drill.

Natalie, on the other hand, would have been on it. "Why are we here? We haven't been here before. Why are there pictures of babies everywhere? Are you sick? Who is that doctor? What is she doing? Why are you wearing that gown?" and so on. Needless to say, I was happy it was a school morning so I didn't have to field questions from Sherlock Holmes Jr.

The first part of the visit went really well. The test they had me retake showed I was definitely pregnant, and we talked about my history of c-sections, etc. Then my doc said I could go ahead and get an internal ultrasound (never fun) to check things out and see the heartbeat, since it was way too early to hear it. 

This began the awkward part. I explained to Michaela Byrd that the lady would be taking pictures of "my tummy" and that she should turn towards the wall and DO NOT TURN AROUND. Sorry, but I didn't think my five year old needed a visual of my internal ultrasound seared into her brain. She happily agreed and faced the wall, asking every couple of minutes if I was doing okay. It was really sweet and probably what got me through the next part.

This ain't my first rodeo.

I knew what things were supposed to look like. I also knew that ultrasound techs are typically smiling and cheerful, pointing out exciting things like placenta and yolk sac and heartbeats.

Mine stared stony faced at the screen and would. not. look. at. my. face.

She didn't say a word when Byrdie asked, "How did Mommy do?"

We were ushered back into an exam room and told to wait. When my doctor came in, she was very sweet and encouraging and questioned my dates, which I was sure of. Then she showed me the ultrasound pic on her laptop and kindly said, in so many words, that they just weren't seeing what they should be seeing for someone at my stage of pregnancy (I think I was about 7 and 1/2 weeks or so along). There wasn't anything in the yolk sac.

I got blood work done twice to check my hormone levels, and spent a week feeling pretty much empty.

I didn't want to talk. To anyone. I did. not. feel. like. blogging. But I had an article due and I also didn't want to have to go explaining things to readers. So I plugged along for a week, feeling angry that I was so sick and tired but had nothing to show for it. They had told me to be hopeful before my next ultrasound, but the underlying warning was that I should be prepared.

I felt awful that I couldn't tell my girls why Mommy was so tired and cranky. I felt bad that I snapped at T so often. But I was also ticked that he didn't understand what I was going through. Couldn't understand. This was something I couldn't control. Couldn't fix. I had two friends I trusted enough to talk to, and they helped me calm down.

I drove to the next appointment alone. Someone needed to take Byrdie to preschool, so I made T do it, and I didn't want our parents to know what was going on. I also wanted to be angry and sullen and bitter by myself.

I sat in the car before heading in to the office and fiercely told God that I was ready to go in and take a pill or get a procedure done or whatever it is they do when your baby stops growing inside you. I clenched my fists and told Him that if He decided to change things up, then I would know it was all Him. I couldn't make it happen. It would be on Him. But I didn't really mean it. I was just ready to go in and take care of things.

Imagine my huge surprise a half an hour later when the (same) ultrasound tech beamed and said, "Look! There's your baby!" and flipped the switch so I could hear the heartbeat.

I'm pretty sure they could hear me in the waiting room when I yelled, "What?!"

I was floored. The ultrasound tech said something about the other ultrasound having been possibly too early to detect anything and something about a tilted uterus, blah blah blah. I wasn't really listening.

Inside, despite the hard, crusty wall I'd slapped together around my heart, I felt very much like the girls did when we finally told them about their new sibling.

And that's where the whole blog thing comes in. If you've been pregnant before, you'll know what I'm talking about. If not, consider this your intro. I don't know if it's because it's the third baby or because I'm not 24 anymore, but I have never been so exhausted before in my entire life.

For weeks, it took everything I had to get the girls to school and dance, take the dogs out, and maybe cook some dinner. Blogging was a necessary evil for a time there. I wanted to keep the site updated and keep my traffic up, but I could barely come up with a round-up post, much less a new recipe or fun creative project.

So the blog just sort of coasted along for awhile.

Now that I'm feeling better (I'll be 18 weeks tomorrow!), I can tackle some projects again. I shared about cleaning out stuff earlier this week, and I'm planning some more home projects. I miss being creative, so I'm hoping to do some crafts soon too. I have a huge home project coming up, so I hope you'll stay tuned.

You may have noticed weekends are different here. I used to share Features from the link party on Saturdays and Sundays, but I had to call it quits. Those posts take an hour or more each to put together, and  were just plain stressing me out. I moved all the Features to Monday, and while it takes away from a regular day of posting, I'm not feeling guilty for spending weekend time on the computer instead of with the fam.

I know this post has reached an epic length, so I'll draw to a close. I just wanted you to know that while creativity slowed down here for awhile, I plan on revving it back up. I appreciate your understanding. I've always enjoyed sharing about my family and home life here, so I'll keep that up without driving you all nuts with weekly pregnancy updates and constant belly shots (blech).

More than anything, I try to keep it real with my readers...which is why you should tune in next Tuesday for a supremely embarrassing house post that I'm sharing as part of a new campaign, but hope some of you can relate to.

Thanks for reading!

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